Honestly, Vanessa

I majored in Psychology before switching to filmmaking, so human behavior has always fascinated me. It’s something I think about often.

Most people don’t realize this, but ego runs the show far more than personality ever does. The ego is behind almost every reaction, conflict, obsession, attachment, and emotional spiral humans experience.

We like to believe we’re logical even men love to think they operate from pure reason, but most of us are far more driven by ego than we want to admit.
We also like to believe we’re self-aware, spiritually grounded and immune to being petty af.

But if you watch people closely like I do, really closely, you’ll notice something else as I do.

Ego runs most of the show. It’s protective. It’s reactive. It’s terrified. It’s trying to prevent the heart from getting hurt again. This is the psychology behind almost everything humans do but rarely understand.

A lot of people seem to think that ego mostly means arrogance, but ego is actually the part of us that is terrified of… things like rejection, humiliation, being replaced, losing control, not being chosen, being compared, feeling inferior, feeling powerless and losing love.

The ego seems to jump in to protect us especially when the emotional system feels unsafe. This is why ego-driven behavior is often impulsive, irrational, or extreme. The ego isn’t trying to be wise or even logical. It’s just part of our built-in survival physiology.

Let’s talk about ego in relationships whether it’s romantic, familial, or platonic, there’s plenty of ego involved here. Here are some examples that I have observed over the past decade.

If someone feels lonely and not respected, loved or wanted in a relationship, they will almost always search for validation for a self-esteem boost.

People often stay in relationships they’re not happy in out of EGO. Not LOVE. The fear of failure, fear of looking wrong, fear of losing one’s identity is EGO.

People become JEALOUS out of ego. Not because they truly love their partner, but because they fear being replaced.

Women obsesses, belittle, stalk and harass “the other woman” or their competition purely out of ego. It’s saying “Oh no, someone else could be better than me.”, “She saw my partner in a way I will never see him” or “Someone else threatens my value.” They even go as far as to lying to protect their image or the other woman and compete with imaginary rivals for any years.

Jealousy and possession is rooted less in love and more in ego threat. The ego hates competition. The ego hates uncertainty. The ego hates losing.

This is why it’s tough for a lot of Muslim Women including myself to comfortably engage in Polygamy and it’s something I truly struggle with. Deep down, sometimes I wonder if I can just regulate my ego, I can be okay with my husband marrying a second wife.

What would make things easier is if I didn’t know what the other wives looked liked or what they were like because other wise, I would spend my days jealous and comparing myself just like what wives or women do when they find out their husband proactively chose to share his time with another woman.

I often think about the afterlife as well, how there is no jealousy whatsoever. It must be a nice feeling.

Ego can even turn conflict into war and make people do really bad things. When someone feels SMALL, vulnerable, or exposed, people tend to engage in things like deflection, blame, manipulation, insults, revenge, reveal private or intimate information, stonewalling, coldness, and constant comparisons. This is not cruelty, it’s defense. Ego fights when the heart feels cornered.

Nothing exposes ego quite like SOCIAL MEDIA. Everything is properly curated and performative. People don’t post their truth, they post their image. Couples post perfection to cover emptiness. Individuals post confidence to hide insecurity.

Parents post aesthetics to avoid feeling judged. They fear being seen as not put-together, failing, sloppy or imperfect People post happiness to prove something to someone, but if you were truly happy, you wouldn’t have to do that.

The ego loves an audience. It needs witnesses. It needs validation. It needs reassurance that it matters. This is why social media makes people even more depressed, because deep down they know, this is not their reality. It really messes with the head.

Ego is not all bad! You need an ego to function. The goal isn’t to kill the ego per se, but it needs to be trained, not obeyed. A mature ego is the part of you that has learned humility, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. A fragile ego is the part that panics, spirals, and reacts from fear.

If you’re able to compliment others without feeling small, self-reflect, communicate honestly and take accountability, feel no need to compete, then you have a healthy ego.

Lets talk about Ego from the religious perspective.

In Islam, the closest concept to ego is the Nafs. This is the commanding self which is the part that pulls you toward impulses, pride, jealousy, anger, envy, lust, and self-centeredness.

The Qur’an describes it as: Indeed, the nafs is ever inclined to evil except those who Allah has mercy upon.” (12:53). Islam teaches that the ego distorts reality, pushes you to sin, inflates your sense of self, makes you defensive, makes you obsessed with reputation, blinds you to your own faults, makes you blame others instead of reflect, pushes you to be more wordly and lowers your spiritual sensitivity.

The Ego is not meant to be destroyed. It’s meant to be trained through salah, fasting, dhikr, humility, accountability, patience and self-reflection (muhāsabah).

Islam doesn’t shame you for having ego. It’s a test and our jihad. The highest level of the soul is Nafs al-Muṭma’innah (النَّفْس الْمُطْمَئِنَّة) which is the peaceful, surrendered, spiritually aligned self. This is the opposite of ego and the goal for us Muslims.