I became a stepmother when the kids were 9, 10, and 12, old enough to remember life before me, but young enough to still need stability, guidance, and love.
Now they’re 12, 13, and 15, and I’ve watched them grow into teenagers right in front of my eyes, all while raising my own 3 year old toddler at the same time.
It makes sense why Allah would test me like this, because this situation requires a whole lot of patience, a kind of patience I didn’t even know I was capable of before stepping into this role.
I’ve learned patience that I never had before. I learned emotional neutrality, even when everything in me wanted to blow my shit and defend myself.
I learned to prioritize the kids over winning, proving, or reacting. And most of all, I learned that love is not defined by biology, it’s defined by it’s presence.
But I’ll be honest, this is not something I would EVER recommend for anyone who is weak, passive, or easily broken down. You have to be very strong and resilient. If you have a good relationship with the bio-mom, you my friend have won the freaking lottery.
Step motherhood in a high-conflict situation requires a high level of resilience that most people almost never have to access. You need emotional muscle. You need backbone. You need the ability to be steady even when someone is actively trying to destabilize you. Whew! I see it as an extreme sport.
It will expose every insecurity. It will push every button we didn’t even know existed. It will force us to grow in ways we never signed up for. Ya Allah.
People often assume that most of the conflict comes from the kids not accepting you (well depends on their ages), but honestly? They eventually always cave in. Children are very smart and observant.
They have no choice, but to respond well to kindness, stability and sincerity after a while especially if they’re religious children. The real difficulty is co-parenting with a bio mom who is unnecessarily problematic.
And what’s really sad and the one thing adults tend to forget is that the kids feel everything, even when they don’t say it.
Children absorb high-conflict dynamics in their bodies. They become hyper-vigilant. They learn to walk on eggshells. This is why I choose restraint, even when I am pissed tf off. I have to be the bigger woman. For them.
So what does a high conflict bio mother look like exactly? First off, She did not respect the time-share schedule, which threw our entire household off. Everything becomes a fight, even simple logistical decisions.
She expects immediate responses from my husband knowing he is extremely busy, then gets angry when he don’t react fast enough to her crisis. She flips between hostility and friendliness, depending on what benefits her in the moment.
She breaks boundaries, then acts shocked when we reinforce them.
She injects the children into adult issues, creating emotional confusion that they shouldn’t have been involved in the first place.
She tries to control our household, even though we don’t have a say when they are over there. I started realizing that her chaos isn’t about me at all, it’s about the internal storms she never learned to regulate.
She even told them to only see me as a babysitter. The kids have admitted this to me. Like… ma’am. I am NOT getting paid, and I cannot go home when the parents get back. I live here. This is my family too.
I may not be their biological mother, but I am still a mother figure who shows up for them every single day and that shapes their entire world, whether she likes it or not.
I also understand something that took me some time to accept.
Sometimes the kids may forget how I showed up for them, not because they don’t care, but because survival requires it.
Children often need to see their mother as a perfect being who has done nothing wrong in order to keep going emotionally. That belief helps them cope. It helps them stay loyal. It helps them feel safe enough to move forward. And I can’t blame them for that.
They may forget the times I helped them with their homework and school projects when no one else would.
The times I defended them whenever they got in trouble with their father.
The times I drove them everywhere they needed to go with a screaming toddler in the backseat, exhausted but still showing up.
The hours I spent decorating for their birthdays, planning, setting up, and making sure they felt celebrated and seen.
As painful as it is, they may forget those things, not because those things didn’t matter, but because survival sometimes requires selective memory. Sigh.
Children often need to protect the image of their mother in order to keep going emotionally, so if they have to simplify the story in order to survive emotionally,
I’m trying to understand that now.
It’s not all bad. I don’t want to scare anyone away from being a step mother. There are so many peaceful and beautiful moments that make all of the drama worth it.
Like when they linger in my room just to talk even if it starts with something random.
Like the funny, chaotic, silly conversations we end up having, the inside jokes, the random debates, the unfiltered teenage commentary that has me cracking up against my will.
When they show little signs of caring about me, the subtle gestures and the small check-ins.
When another one quietly asks for my opinion on something personal (teenagers rarely admit they need guidance lol).
The way they relax around me because I’ve proven… time and time again that I’m safe. They see that I’m not “the bad person” their mother painted me out to be.
Actions speak louder and those moments matter more than anything else.
And Allah really does send people at the right time.
Eventually she got re- married. Allah sent the kids an amazing stepfather, genuinely one of the biggest blessings in this whole situation. He brought stability into their home, he treats the kids well and raises them like their his own. The custody schedule finally became stable.
My husband and their step father are even good friends, they hang out, they talk, they check in with each other. Talk about a healthy co-parenting situation!
They genuinely put the kids first, and it shows in everything they do.
We are so, so blessed to have him in this dynamic.
Honestly, Vanessa 