Something I keep noticing in every corner of life and and something I reflected on heavily in a therapy session the other day is how quickly women will turn against other women, while the man in the situation walks away unscathed. It’s so wild to me how automatic it is.
A man will lie, cheat, manipulate, or disrespect a woman… and somehow another woman entirely becomes the root problem. The other woman becomes the villain. The ex becomes the scapegoat. The best friend all of a damn sudden becomes the competition. And the guy? He gets to stay comfortable!
What is the reason for this? Well I’ve learned that women are socialized from an early age to see other women as a threat and competition, whether it’s for attention, for safety, for validation, for belonging. Men are totally centered, and women orbit around them. So when conflict arises, our first instinct is to fight the other women for proximity to him, instead of holding him accountable.
Because holding him accountable means losing the illusion. Attacking other women means preserving it. But the consequences are real. When women attack each other instead of holding men accountable, several things happen and guess what? None of them benefit us!
Men avoid consequences they desperately need.
If he knows the women will fight each other instead of walking away from him, he never has to change. He learns that MANIPULATION WORKS. He learns that dishonesty has no cost. He learns that women will absorb the fallout while he keeps the power.
Some of the women we’re taught to hate are actually the ones who would understand us the most. The “other woman” isn’t always a villain, sometimes she’s another victim of the same man, the same pattern, the same lie.
We could support each other. We could warn each other without insulting the other. We could try to be more empathetic. But if we’re too busy attacking, we lose the chance to go about the situation in a healthier and godly way.
Patriarchy doesn’t stay alive because men are powerful.
It stays alive because women are divided. As long as we’re distracted by each other, men don’t have to confront themselves. As long as we’re fighting each other, we’re not questioning the structure.
We deserve better than turning on each other.
And I say that with a heavy heart, because I’ve personally lived the consequences of this dynamic more times than I can count.
There were so many moments in my life where I lost good girlfriends I was super close with over a guy, not because I betrayed them, but because the situation was set up in a way where women were already positioned as enemies.
A boyfriend would secretly want me, flirted behind their girlfriend’s (my close friend) back, who made things uncomfortable, only for her to turn on me and cut me off instead of questioning him. When they broke up, she tried to be friends with me again and what do you think I did?
Another situation I’ve been in is when I happen to be at the same party as my close friend’s boyfriend and I caught him cheating. I was actually good friends with him too so it made it really awkward for me.
I wasn’t even sure if I should tell her, but I assumed it was girl code to do so. I ended up telling her the truth, thinking I was protecting her, only to be accused of lying or trying to ruin her relationship out of jealousy.
And watching her choose him over our friendship… that kind of thing really breaks your heart because I really loved this girl and our friendship.
And then there’s the infidelity situation…
There are cases where the “other woman” wasn’t plotting, seducing, or scheming to steal a married man.
Sometimes she wasn’t even interested and just simply being herself and laying down some boundaries.
Sometimes the man is strategic and charming enough to make any woman second-guess herself, persistent enough to wear down those boundaries, and relentless to the point where “no” never registered as an answer.
He chases her. He insists. He makes promises. He paints a fantasy. He creates this entire dynamic through his OWN CHOICES and HIS OWN PURSUIT.
And yet, somehow, when everything blows up, the other woman becomes the problem. She becomes the shame. She becomes the storyline. She becomes the target because she’s easier to blame than the wife is protecting. Women will go after her with a level of aggression they will never aim at him.
When a man aggressively pursues a woman who tried to pull back, tried to decline, or tried to create distance, people don’t see the full dynamic. They only see the fallout.
No one sees: the pressure, the insistence, the mixed signals, the emotional manipulation, the guilt the other woman feels for his children, the way he positions himself as a victim to both sides, the pity the other woman feels for him, the way he plays both roles so convincingly that both women question themselves instead of him.
And then suddenly, the woman he chased is painted as the seductress, the whore, the jebezel, a really evil person who needs Jesus, the problem, the “reason everything fell apart,” while he just slips into the background untouched.
Meanwhile, he gets praised for being the “best husband in the world” simply because he helped keep the image intact, not because he took responsibility for anything he actually did.
Even where the other woman was the one who backed away first, she still becomes the villain. She gets punished for having more conscience than he ever showed. And somehow, he still gets rewarded for the narrative she protected by stepping out.
It’s totally backwards. It’s delusion. And it’s exactly why these dynamics need to be talked about.
And the man? He benefits every time. In these cases, he learns something very dangerous and that is he can do anything and the consequences will land on the other woman, every single time. Women turning on each other doesn’t really fix anything.
It just protects him from growth, accountability, and honesty.
He was not brainwashed. He was being emotional and calculated. The wife is left humiliated and heartbroken entirely because of him. He owed her loyalty first and foremost. Not some vulnerable, naive and emotionally hungry stranger.
I know those kinds of women are constantly prey for men who are resentful, unhappy, or emotionally starving themselves.
If I were to ever find out that my husband emotionally manipulated another woman into secretly being with him, I wouldn’t be pissed at her. I will direct all of my energy towards him. Just trust me on this.
These men need to be held accountable.
When women stop attacking women and start looking at the actual source of the harm, the lies unravel. The illusion shatters.
And the truth is, when women care more about image, reputation, or how their relationship looks on social media… these kinds of women will do or say anything to prevent that illusion from breaking. I feel sorry for them.
Protecting the narrative becomes more important than confronting the reality. Saving face becomes more important than saving themselves.
All of those moments that I just spoke about stayed with me. They showed me how easily women can lose each other because of men who never deserved the protection in the first place.
And it’s exactly why this conversation matters because I don’t want any more friendships or sisterhoods sacrificed on the altar of a man’s actions.We can do better than that.
And we deserve better than that.
Honestly, Vanessa 